


Torn to Pieces

by Fanfic_or_bust



Category: Big Brother RPF, zankie - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Denied Feelings, Fanfic, M/M, Zach reads fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 02:19:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2755934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanfic_or_bust/pseuds/Fanfic_or_bust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angsty piece that follows Zach after he screws up and Frankie shuts him out. Zach reads fanfic for days before facing some major realizations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: extreme angst

Zach wiped his eyes with contempt for the tears that were falling uncontrollably from them. He wished he could blame them just on dryness because he’d been staring at his computer screen for two straight days. They were dry as hell, but these tears came from a place of real emotional pain. Why was he doing this to himself? Why couldn’t he stop?

He pushed back from his desk angrily and his chair rolled back across the room, turning as he went. He sat there, still, his face in his hands, breathing heavily for a minute. But then, feeling like a complete masochist, he used his heels to roll the chair right back over to the desk so he could continue reading the fanfic that was left open on the screen. Taunting him.

He regretted ever opening that first link. He had been ignoring it for months, what made him start now? ‘You know why’ his mind almost taunted him. Like even his subconscious was sick of his bullshit at this point. Involuntarily, memories of the fight he’d had with Frankie flashed through his mind.

It had started as an innocent enough interaction. Yes, maybe Zach was being a little flirty. Yes, maybe he could see where Frankie could get the impression that he was leading him on. But that was just their dynamic, right? Zach had homoerotic desires for Frankie, he loved him as a person, but they could flirt and that was it. Zach was straight, being gay wasn’t something that was an option for a kid like him, coming from where he came from. Frankie was cool with that.

Except it turns out Frankie wasn’t cool with that. Zach had gone a little too far with the flirtatious banter and Frankie had called him on it. He could still remember the hurt in his voice as he asked “Is this all just a game to you, Zach? Do my feelings mean nothing to you? I’m in love with you, do you not get that?” Frankie had disconnected the facetime at that point so Zach couldn’t see him cry, but Zach had called him right back and the fight started over the phone.

Zach still didn’t know how they started yelling. Well, how he started yelling. He could quite frankly understand why Frankie would yell at him. But Zach? Why was Zach yelling? All he had been feeling at that moment was sadness and guilt, what gave him the right to get mad?

But his voice had steadily risen as he defensively tried to explain away everything that happened between them. He was pouring all his frustration with himself (if he was being honest) onto Frankie. All the fear of the feelings he had, all the self loathing for not allowing himself to be truthful and reciprocate Frankie’s love, all his guilt for leading him on and his constant media flip flops and fuck ups.

All of these sour and negative feelings were bubbling up and he and Frankie just raged at each other. “You can’t just make me gay because you want me to be!” Zach had screamed, for some reason.

“Fuck you, Zach. I am not the one making you gay!” He was right.

“You can’t accept that I’m straight!” Because it wasn’t true. But these words weren’t words. They were weapons. And he had drawn blood.

“I’m not saying you’re gay but if you’re straight then what the fuck were we doing all summer, what the fuck have we been leading to all fall? If you’re not gay then why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone? You know how I feel about you, you have always known because I’ve never kept it a secret. But you keep me on your fucking line, feeding me hope and then spitting in my face. I’m getting sick of it. I’m getting sick of whatever this is. This is not the image I want to show the world. I want to be a fucking role model, Zach, and what am I telling the fucking closeted teenagers that look up to me? Look like an idiot by falling in love with a straight man that treats you like shit, let him walk all over and make a mockery of you in public, make you look like a fucking predator to all the homophobes that want to cling at every no homo message you send?”

“So I guess I should just suck your fucking dick for all the poor teenagers out there? I guess I don’t fucking matter anymore! All I’ve become is a fucking role model and no matter what I do, half the people out there will hate me! Should I just come out as gay to support the LGBQT kids out there even if I’m not!?” Fear. Shame. Frustration. Did Frankie hear these things or just the words? The awful words.

“So you’re honestly saying you’ve never had feelings other than friendship towards me?” Hurt. Pain. Disbelief. That’s all Zach heard.

“Yes. That’s what I’m saying.” Lie. He lied. He couldn’t say the truth. How could he say the truth?

“Then fuck you for leading me on. You really are an asshole.” Anger. Pain.

“I told you that from the start. I don’t know what you expected.” Truth. Zach felt like the biggest asshole in the world. But why was he saying it like it was Frankie’s fault?

“I expected more, Zach. I expected more from you.” Depression. Exhaustion. He was giving up. Zach could hear it and he felt a panic rising in his chest but instead of saying the truth in his heart he was too deathly afraid to say, he said something else.

“Well that’s your fault. I guess you never really knew me after all.” Lie. Frankie had looked into his soul. He had seen all that Zach was and loved him nonetheless. Surely he knew this was a lie.

“I guess not.” Contempt. Sadness. And nothing else, because Frankie had disconnected the call. Zach had dropped his phone, too shell shocked to call him back, and cried for the next hour pathetically into his pillow.

As Zach sat there now, going over every painful minute of the call, analyzing every word, tears began to fall anew. If his body could show how much he was beating himself up over every uttered word he’d be black and blue all over. He tried to read the words on the page to drive out the memory of the call but he couldn’t see through the tears. He clawed at his eyes, desperate to make the memories go away.

This was probably the most self destructive thing he could possibly be doing right now. He had spent hours after that phone call just lying in his bed. Eventually he ran out of tears so he lay there in shock. He had ruined everything. Frankie hated him. How had this all happened in the course of one conversation?

But it wasn’t just this one conversation. It was everything that led up to this conversation. All the back and forth, the mixed signals. He had been pushing Frankie away and then pulling him back for months now. Frankie was bound to make him choose eventually. Why couldn’t Zach just make the damn choice?

So after a few hours, he had gotten up and dug through his DM’s on twitter to find the link to that fanfic they said he should read. And it had made him cry all over again. So then he opened another, and another. Soon he was searching through Tumblr, and stumbled upon a link to a site called Archive of Our Own. There were over 100 stories under the Frankie Grande/Zach Rance tag. And on and on he read. Two days passed and he had barely moved.

He should have been creeped out. He should have been embarrassed by all the explicit sex scenes with him taking it up the ass. But he was entranced. The thing that made him cry in every single fucking fic was how much they believed in this love. This love that he had yet to truly acknowledge but was real. Very real. He desperately wanted every single one of these fics to be true. Well, except maybe the vampire one. Or the world war 3 one. But these fucking love stories of him coming to terms with his feelings, of him and Frankie finding true happiness in each other… they were just too fucking much.

They tore at his heart. Especially the realistic ones. The ones where that could have totally happened. Except it didn’t. Because he was too fucking scared. But the more he read, the more he would think ‘That could have happened. I could have done that.’ But he never did. Because he was a coward.

Now here was, two days later, a complete mess. His head swam with memories of their fight and vivid images planted there by these fics he couldn’t stop reading. He felt sick. From not sleeping, from barely eating, from staring at a computer screen for two days. But mostly he felt sick with himself. Every fic he read was like torture. Teasing him with what could have been. But wasn’t. Because of him.

Maybe that was it. That was why he couldn’t stop. He felt he deserved this pain. It was morbid curiosity, it was a desire to be with Frankie even if it was some fictional version of him and it wasn’t even real, and the pain seemed to feed a need inside him. A need for the pain. Because he deserved it.

As he finished another story that was long enough to be a novel, he clicked on the tag again to refresh the page and a fic he had already read had a new chapter updated. He opened it before he could even think and began reading. Desperate to see how the story ended. Would he screw up and lose Frankie forever in this one?

No. Just another mushy chapter where Zach takes it up the ass and professes his love for Frankie and they live happily ever after. Bullshit. Zach could never do that. He could never be brave enough to profess his love for Frankie.

Zach realized a minute later that he found the part with him being honest the hard part to believe. Not him taking it from Frankie. It was funny. Somehow over the course of the fanfics, he had become convinced that he would like it. He had vehemently fought against that idea his whole adult life, any time a gay thought would cross his mind. That it would hurt, that vaginas were for fucking, that it would hurt. Even if he wasn’t taking it, he would be hurting someone else, and he didn’t like that.

But maybe he was wrong? Unless all these fic writers had it wrong. And let’s face it, they could. Most of them were straight girls. But the detail they went into… the images they wrote came to life in his mind and fantasies took root. By the end of the two days, if Zach wasn’t dejectedly thinking about the relationship he had ruined with Frankie, he was imagining them in every position possible. Fucking. Oh God, he was thinking about them fucking. And his dick was getting hard.

Zach ran his hands through his hair and pulled at the roots. He looked around the room, like something in there would help him with his current problem. He needed to do something. Now. He needed to do something or he’d go crazy. Was keeping up this charade, was maintaining that he was straight really worth… all this? Everything that he was going through. Was this really better than the alternative?

Making up his mind in an instant, Zach reached for his phone. It was almost out of battery. He had put it on his desk and ignored it yesterday and it was sitting exactly where he had left it. Face up. In case Frankie called.

But Frankie wasn’t going to call. Zach had made sure of that with his careless words and hurtful actions. He hovered his thumb over the ‘call’ icon next to Frankie’s picture. He wasn’t going to answer. Zach knew he wasn’t going to answer.

He was right. He didn’t answer.

Zach typed out a text quickly, his fingers fumbling and mistyping several times before he could get a clear message out. ‘Please pick up. Please Frankie, I need to talk to you. I’m sorry. Please.’ He hit send and sat there for a whole two minutes, trying not to lose his mind. When he didn’t get a call back or a text, he called Frankie again. No answer.

Zach looked at the clock. Frankie wasn’t at the theater and he shouldn’t be sleeping. He should be answering. He always had his phone. He was ignoring him. ‘Of course he’s ignoring you’ His mind thought. Panic started rising in his chest and Zach called Frankie three times back to back, hearing his voicemail message was like a dagger to his heart every time.

Zach got up and started pacing his room, staring at his phone. Willing it to ring. Fifteen minutes passed and then the tears started again. He needed to do something about this. He was panicking. Frankie wasn’t going to pick up. He wasn’t going to call back. He wasn’t going to text. It was over. But then he froze.

‘It’s not over yet.’ He told himself. He promised himself. He had to believe that. He had to do something big for Frankie. Something to show him he was serious. Something that Frankie couldn’t ignore.

So Zach crossed the room and sat down at his computer, closing the window and opening a new browser window and searching for last minute flight deals to New York.

This was the only way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Frankie won't talk to Zach, Zach is going to make sure he can't ignore him any further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Switches perspective back and forth between Zach and Frankie.

ZACH

 

Zach tried three times to knock on the door, raising his fist and then lowering it, letting it drop to his side. He tossed his head back as he groaned, leaning against the wall of the hallway and lifting his hands to brace against his forehead. Why couldn’t he do it? He came all this way to see him. Spent most of his money, just to do this. Why was it so hard?

A door opened a few apartments down and a laughing couple came into the hall. They stopped as they looked at Zach, and shuffled away quietly towards the elevator. Zach watched them on their way. They seemed so happy. The way they had been laughing, the way their eyes could barely pull away from each other even as they walked. Sure, his weird energy had creeped them out but as they walked away, the man’s hand found the small of the lady’s back and it was so protective and sweet. Like he was protecting her from this terrifying tear soaked hallway stalker that was awkwardly staring at them. Zach wanted that. To protect Frankie from strange men in hallways. Or to be protected.

Zach rounded on the door again, bracing himself to knock. He was going to do it this time. He was going to. He didn’t. He hung his head and ran his fingers through his hair, tugging like he did when he was frustrated and needed to think.

 

FRANKIE

“Do you hear something?” He asked Paul, who was gathering his things to go. He always made himself at home when he came over, so his phone, keys, and various items were strewn all over the place. He had his coat on already looked up from his phone that he had just picked up and scrunched his bushy eyebrows together, listening.

“Someone at the door?” He asked.

“God I hope not, I’m a mess. I can’t answer the door like this! Go check.” He instructed. Paul didn’t question him as he walked across the room quietly and peeked through the peekhole. His bright blue eyes went wide as he immediately pulled away from the door and looked at Frankie incredulously. Now he had Frankie’s attention.

“Well? Who is it?” Frankie whispered loudly, wiping under his eyes, trying to make sure his eyeliner from the show earlier wasn’t running down his face. There had been more than a few tears tonight. That was why Paul was here, trying to help him through this ridiculously confusing situation he had going with Zach with a much needed vent session.

‘Except it’s not confusing. He told you his answer.’ His brain told him, but for some reason Frankie wasn’t fully trusting his thoughts. Probably because his heart was telling a whole different story. And his thoughts had never been all that trustworthy anyways. Always filling his head with insecurities and anxiety.

Right now, Frankie’s head was telling him to move on from Zach, he had heard it from Zach’s own mouth that there was nothing there. And God knows he had already wasted months of his life on this. His head was cold, calculating. But his heart was in love. And his heart knew that Zach was in love with him, too. Despite what he said. He just knew. He wouldn’t have wasted all this time if he wasn’t sure.

But Frankie’s heart was also fucking angry at Zach. For what he had done to it. He was so confused and he knew if he and Zach couldn’t sort their shit out soon that this passion would turn to hate. He was that angry right now, that the love could easily transform into something much more powerful. There were just too many feelings for them to go away. He was absolutely terrified of that happening.

Frankie waited for what seemed too long as Paul took another look out the peekhole and then turned to Frankie again. Then he mouthed ‘ZACH’ with a confused look on his face.

Frankie’s stomach fell and so did his jaw. No way. No. Fucking. Way. “What?” He whisper-screamed at Paul.

‘ZACH’ Paul mouthed again, a terrified look on his face.

He frantically motioned for Paul to come over. They huddled together, Frankie bouncing a little because he was freaking out. “Are you sure?” He asked.

“No, I wasn’t sure but I decided to say it was Zach anyways.” Paul looked at Frankie with a deadpan stare and raised eyebrow.

“Sarcastic asshole.”

“Bitch.”

“Whore.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Now what the fuck does he think he’s doing?” Frankie asked. He was still so hurt and angry, he didn’t know what to do. Frankie tried desperately to collect his thoughts.

“He didn’t tell you?!” Paul whispered incredulously.

“No, Rose. Or I wouldn’t be freaking out right now.” Frankie put his thumb and forefinger on his temples and squeezed, trying to force himself to think straight.

“Do you want to see him?” Paul asked. Frankie thought about the question. Did he? Yes, because he loves him. No, because he hates him. Yes, he wants the chance to scream at him, to let it all out. No, he feels like such a fool around him. Yes, he desperately wants to see his dear face again. No, because he’d probably just punch it.

He didn’t know. He looked at Paul, confusion showing all over his face. He had no answer.

“Well I don’t think you have a choice. I’m going to go and let you guys hash things out.”

“I have a choice. I don’t have to let him stay here if I don’t want to. I don’t owe him a fucking thing.” His words were acidic but Paul smirked at him as he collected his keys and stuffed them in his jacket pocket, wrapping his scarf around his neck. Paul knew him too well.

“He just flew across the country just because you wouldn’t talk to him. I think that at least earns him a chance to say what he came to say. And you have to admit it’s pretty adorable.”

“I’m not promising anything. And I’m not admitting anything.” Paul smirked again, a knowing smile and Frankie scowled. He was mad at Zach. MAD. He had to remember that. His stomach turned as he thought of him, just standing on the other side of that door. Something keeping him from knocking after crossing the country to be here. ‘NO’ he thought furiously at himself. ‘You’re fucking mad at him! Don’t forget that, Frankie.’ He was determined.

Frankie was totally distracted, his mind in a different place, as he kissed Paul goodbye on the cheek and hurried around the corner so he could leave without Zach seeing him. He had to come up with a plan. Now.

 

 

ZACH

Zach had been standing there, trying to get the courage to knock for quite some time when the door opened. His head shot up and his eyes met… Paul’s. He was standing there, looking shocked, obviously dressing against the cold December night with a burberry scarf wrapped around his neck. His eyes were wide with surprise. Zach didn’t know what to say. His first instinct was jealousy, a hideous wave of grief washing over him. But no, this was Paul. Frankie’s friend. Zach liked Paul. He wanted to ask him questions. What was he doing here? How was Frankie? Had he said anything about him? But he couldn’t get out any words. His mouth opened and closed like a fish.

“…Zach?” Paul managed. His bright blue eyes were shrewdly assessing as they scanned Zach’s body. Zach saw them pause on the overnight bag he had packed and taken on the plane, he was sure he saw the puffy red eyes. He had barely slept in days and cried so often he looked like a mess. “What are you doing here?” He asked, looking over his shoulder into Frankie’s apartment and coming into the hall, closing the door behind him.

“I… I need to talk to Frankie.” Zach said lamely. He saw Paul’s eyes soften as he asked.

“And you had to come to New York to do that?”

“He wouldn’t talk to me.” Just saying the words made Zach’s eyes sting with tears he was desperately trying to hold back. He had become so accustomed to crying over the past few days that it was like the floodgates were open. But he couldn’t cry now, not in front of Frankie’s friend.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Paul looked nervous. Zach instantly panicked. Why wasn’t it a good idea? How else was he supposed to get Frankie to listen to him, where he couldn’t hang up the phone? Was it not a good time because there was someone else in that apartment? Had Paul left to give Frankie and some other guy some… privacy? That was Zach’s biggest fear in coming to Frankie’s place unannounced. Awful scenarios had been running through his head since he bought the tickets. That Frankie would be on some sort of revenge fuck-spree and that Zach would walk right up to his door and have to face it. Because he couldn’t blame Frankie, it was his fault, but seeing it would shatter him to his core.

He couldn’t help it. He had to ask. “Why, he doesn’t have some other guy in there, does he?” The knot in Zach’s stomach loosened as he saw Paul’s shake his head.

“No.” Paul answered, one eyebrow raising as if he found the question very interesting. “He’s just really mad still. And really hurt. He told me what you said…”

“I didn’t mean it.” This was the truth. He poured all his sincerity into the words. Paul’s blue gaze pierced his eyes and he nodded his head.

“I believe you. Listen, I’ll leave you to Frankie. Don’t knock until I’m around the corner. I want to be LONG gone when this bomb goes off.” With a weak smile he patted Zach’s shoulder as he walked by. Before he turned the corner at the end of the hall towards the elevator he looked back and said “Good luck, Zach!” And then he was gone.

Zach stood there for a moment, a little dazed. He didn’t know if he felt better or worse after speaking with Paul, but he knew he was ready to face Frankie. He faced the door, raised his fist, and only hesitated for a second before knocking 3 clear times. Then he stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked down at the floor. And waited.

 

FRANKIE

Taking a deep breath, Frankie swung the door open wide. Preparing to unleash the weapon-like onslaught of words he had been writing in his head over the last two minutes. Preparing for a fight.

At first, all he saw was thick brown hair. Zach was hanging his head, his hands in his pockets. Frankie’s heart clenched at the sight. He looked so… sad. So… broken. ‘MAD, Frankie. You’re MAD.’ He reminded himself.

Then Zach raised his head and Frankie could swear he was being held under water. He suddenly couldn’t breathe. Those eyes, those beautiful ocean-coloured eyes. Frankie had figured the colour out sometime after Big Brother. Those eyes right now were glossy. Red, and puffy. He had bags so dark it looked like he’d been in a fight.

Those sad, pathetic, beseeching eyes found his and he almost melted right there. It took all the willpower in the world not to cross the space between them, hold him tight and kiss those poor, tired eyes.

But he didn’t. ‘MAD’ he told himself. ‘Remember what this asshole has done to you! He looks sad and pathetic right now but he can be a cruel douchebag when he wants to.’ He steeled his gaze against Zach’s. ‘Don’t be pathetic, Grande. You can’t let people treat you like this anymore. MAD.’

 

ZACH

The door swung open and Zach waited a beat before he could bring himself to raise his head. He knew what he was going to see. Was he ready for it?

He wasn’t. That face. The face he had known so well, that for the last month he had only seen in photos or conjured up in his imagination by some fanfic. That face was right in front of him. God, he was perfect. He was beautiful. He used to wish Frankie was a girl, or say things like ‘if I was gay’, to allow him to acknowledge the red hot attraction between them. But he didn’t need to do that anymore. He was finally admitting to himself how he really felt. He had to, or he’d lose him. It was the only option.

He stared into those big brown eyes and got lost like they were bottomless pits. He didn’t know what to say. He thought he saw them warm for a moment, but then the moment was gone and they were ice cold. Usually so soft, Frankie’s gaze was as hard as stone. He raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips, expectantly. As if to say, ‘what the fuck are you doing here, Rance?’

Zach tried to tell him. He really did. But nothing came out. His eyes were locked with Frankie’s, he couldn’t look away. His mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. Frankie must have known he wasn’t going to say anything because then he asked “What the fuck are you doing here, Zach?” And it was so absurdly close to what Zach expected he couldn’t help it. He snorted a laugh, and regretted it instantly.

‘You fucking idiot!’ His mind screamed. ‘This isn’t a time to laugh!’ He clapped his hand over his mouth but Frankie was already looking ready to blow.

“Is this a joke to you?” He asked, his voice already raised. “What the fuck are you doing here, Zach? Answer the question. Did you fly all the way here to knock on my door and laugh in my face?”

This was getting off to a great start.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Completely over the top. Angst. Love <3\. Fighting. Making up.

FRANKIE

“…Did you fly all the way here to knock on my door and laugh in my face?!” Frankie was yelling already. Fool. He felt like a fool. How had he allowed hope back into his heart? ‘Ice Queen.’ His mantra when times got tough. That’s what he wanted to be. His aspiration. Because if he could just be a bit more that way, then he wouldn’t have to feel things like this right now. ‘Be fucking Elsa, Frankie. Just fucking let this lunatic go.’ He told himself.

But Frankie couldn’t be an ice queen when his heart was on fire. You couldn’t be passionate, you couldn’t be in love, or in hate, or in any strong feeling or the ice would melt. You had to be even, unfeeling. The idea sounded nice to Frankie, an existence without any possibility of having his heart broken. An existence where he only cared about himself and things others said or did had no effect on him. Hah. Like that would ever happen.

Even right now, he felt like his body was 200 degrees. He was heated and charged and if he was being honest with himself, turned on. He hated that his body reacted this way around Zach, but right now that feeling was only fueling his anger. How dare he give him a hard on at a time like this!?

Frankie poised himself for an answer from Zach. He threw his hand on his hip and tilted his head, preparing to hear whatever hurtful bullshit came out of his mouth. As he watched Zach’s face, he felt his eyes sting and his stomach dropped, the bitchy look on his face faltering.

‘I swear to God, if one fucking tear falls right now!’ His mind screamed, threatening himself with what, he didn’t know.

 

ZACH

He had to say something. He had to think of something. He had been quiet for too long. He was panicking. Why had he laughed? Why was he such a spaz? ‘DON’T YELL’ he screamed at himself, begged himself. That’s all he could do, hope that he wouldn’t screw everything up. Because once Zach’s big mouth starts to open, who the fuck knows what is about to come out of it. Even he didn’t know what he was about to say half the time.

That’s how Zach worked. He found life was just long stream of consciousness and he was there to ride it. His reactions were candid, but not always real. Because Zach had almost no inner monologue when he was around other people, he often had to work out his true feelings by saying aloud whatever came to his head. Sometimes he found he agreed with what he’d just said, sometimes he disagreed. But his number one personality trait that allowed him to function like this, without a filter, was his almost complete lack of care. He literally couldn’t give a crap if he hurt people’s feelings when he spoke, so even when he said things he didn’t mean he wouldn’t retract them or try to repair some rando’s bruised ego.

Except he did care about Frankie. For whatever reason, of the hundreds of people that have come in and out of Zach’s life, he cared about Frankie more than anyone else before. Except Peyton. But even this was different. But the fact remained that he truly cared about keeping Frankie in his life and to do that he needed to be the opposite of himself tonight. He needed to think about what he was going to say. THINK! He needed to keep it calm. Because he was already feeling his blood beating faster hearing Frankie’s voice raised. His natural instinct would be to yell right back. But no. That would be horrible. He can’t do that.

He’d been taking too long to answer, and he looked back at Frankie. His hand was on his hip and he looked so… real. This was really him. Not some character in a story. Not some picture on a screen. This was him, and he sure looked bitchy right now. Zach almost smiled but caught it just before it would have enraged Frankie even further. His eyes went wide with relief that he’d had constraint and then he noticed them.

Tears. Two tracks slowly making their way down his cheeks. Zach’s heart clenched and his soul ached and finally he found words. “Oh, babe…” He said, stepping forward and reaching out to wipe them away.

Wrong move.

 

FRANKIE

‘What the fuck? Is he…?’ Frankie had been ignoring the tears, hoping Zach wouldn’t notice them. Wiping them away would have been a dead giveaway but it seems he saw them anyways. Now he was advancing forward in the most tender, sweet way, wanting to wipe them away and it was so sweet, so loving, it made Frankie even angrier. Like throwing a shovel of coal on an engine’s brazier.

He stepped backwards out of Zach’s reach, dragging his arm across his face to dash away the tears. “Don’t touch me!” He hissed. Zach froze, his hands dropping. His face looked anguished.

“Frankie…” He whispered, and then hung his head and ran his fingers through his hair. Frankie narrowed his eyebrows. There was absolutely no way he was going to entertain the idea that was currently going through his mind. He was definitely not going to reach out and run his own fingers through that hair. Definitely not.

“Close the door.” Frankie snapped, turning away from Zach and walking over to stare out the glass pane wall at a dark New York, lit only by the city lights.

“Does that mean I can stay?” Zach asked, closing the door behind him and taking the liberty to kick off his boots.

“It means I don’t want the neighbours to hear me yelling.”

“Does that mean you’re going to yell?”

“I don’t know, Zach!” Frankie snapped back, answering his question by raising his voice.

“I’d deserve it.” This stopped Frankie in his tracks. He snapped his head around, away from the city. Zach was standing four paces away, behind him. What did he mean, he’d deserve it? Frankie’s eyes narrowed and he scrutinized the look on Zach’s face. It looked… contrite. What the hell?

“What the hell are you doing here, Zach?” Frankie sighed. He was suddenly so tired, he didn’t know if he’d be able to take this. He looked unwillingly at Zach’s arms. He so desperately wanted those arms around him. He wanted them to squeeze him and make him feel like everything was better. ‘God, you’re pathetic.’ His brain told him. The same part of his brain that wanted to be an ice queen. ‘Do you have no self respect?’ Frankie felt another tear fall. Sometimes between his brain and his heart, he thought he’d be torn in half as they pulled him in completely different directions.

 

ZACH

‘He’s crying because of you!’ His mind screamed, his heart aching along with it for good measure. ‘Do something!’ But he couldn’t reach out to wipe this tear. Seeing Frankie recoil in disgust was too painful. ‘This isn’t about you.’ He reminded himself. It didn’t matter if it was painful for him. He deserved pain. Frankie didn’t want him to wipe his tears right now, that was the only reason that should matter.

“I came because you wouldn’t talk to me.” Zach replied, working hard on his tone. Calm. Even. No yelling. For the love of God, no yelling.

“I wouldn’t talk to you because there is nothing left to talk about. Whatever there was between us, it’s over now Zach. Sorry you wasted a trip.” The words hit like bullets. Zach staggered a little as he struggled to remain upright. No. No. He couldn’t mean it. He was just hurt. He’s just hurt. He couldn’t mean it.

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, actually I do mean that, Zach!” Frankie was yelling again. Not good. Not good. “You think you just can come to my apartment unannounced and I’m supposed to be so impressed by you flying all the way here that I’m just going to forget what you said to me?” He paused to sniff and violently wipe away another tear. Zach ached to wipe it for him. For Frankie to allow him to touch him. “Do you remember what you said?” Frankie challenged. Like he didn’t think Zach would remember. Didn’t he know that every word from that awful conversation was etched into his brain irrevocably?

“I know what I said.” He whispered. Frankie huffed at that.

“Then why are you here?”

“Because I was wrong.” This made Frankie pause. His eyes shot to meet Zach’s and they were dark pools of truth. Zach didn’t think anyone could lie under that gaze, least of all himself. Zach stared back, entranced. He kept his eyes open wide, returning the stare, willing the truth to seep through. For Frankie to know he wasn’t lying.

 

FRANKIE

Zach was boldly returning Frankie’s stare, as if to dare him to call him a liar. Frankie was so confused. His eyes darted down to those full lips but then back to his eyes a fraction of a second later. He hoped Zach hadn’t noticed. His mind was already screaming at him for doing it. ‘MAD’ He reminded himself.

And what did he mean, he was wrong? What kind of bullshit was this? If he was wrong, why had he said it? Why had it taken him so long to admit it? Why was Frankie so damned hopeful all of a sudden? His heart threated to melt the ice that his brain was building as armour around him. To protect him from the inevitable pain that was going to be caused here tonight. There’s no way he could mean what Frankie thought he meant. And even if he did, Frankie would have to have no self esteem at all to go back to someone like Zach. Who had treated him so poorly.

‘He didn’t always treat you poorly’ This voice wasn’t from his icy mind though. This came from his heart and he felt his whole body warm. He was looking at Zach skeptically as his mind and heart raged for control of his body and must have taken a while to answer because Zach continued, looking awkward and regretful, and so, so precious. It was killing Frankie to keep his distance.

“I was wrong, Frankie. I was wrong about everything—“

“Stop.” Frankie couldn’t bear to hear this. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t real.

“If I could stop I wouldn’t be here, Frankie.” Zach said, his face twisting as tears welled in his eyes. They spilled down his cheeks a moment later but he maintained eye contact. His face gave Frankie chills. It was like a ghost of the Zach he knew. His eyes looked hollow and there were dark purple bags under them. He was pale. More than anything, he looked tired. So tired. ‘What the hell happened to him?’ He wondered, and for a moment Frankie found himself distracted by his concern for Zach. A moment later his brain stepped in and shut that shit down.

“What does that even mean? Tell me what you’re doing here. You were wrong? About what. You know what? No, it doesn’t even matter!” He snapped, turning away from Zach and pacing the room before coming back. Zach was standing still, looking terrified. Frankie could see his brain working behind his eyes. He was trying to think. Frankie wanted to know why he cared so much, but he couldn’t ask. It was a power game, and if they were going to become ex-friends or worse, enemies, Frankie couldn’t couldn’t ask questions like that. ‘ICE QUEEN.’ His mind urged. But the sad, broken look on Zach’s face was testing his limits.

“Well let me tell you anyways.” Zach said, more forcefully than Frankie was expecting. Frankie at first had expected an epic rager of a fight, but then seeing this new, broken Zach he had thought it would go the way of sad beaten puppy, but this was neither. He wasn’t fighting, but he wasn’t rolling over, either. Frankie was unwillingly intrigued.

“Nothing you say could matter at this point, Zach. But go on.” He decided to goad him a little. See how much he really wanted this. Zach stood a little taller and seemed to square his shoulders, as if bracing to face something difficult. Frankie found himself very curious as to what he was going to say.

 

ZACH

Zach took a deep breath. This was it. This was where he would have to jump in feet first and just hope that he landed safely. He needed to take this risk, there was no option after the past few days, and the months before them if he was being honest. He had to confront these feelings sooner or later. And he still didn’t fully understand them or know what they meant but he needed to figure out with Frankie. Now, or he would lose the opportunity forever. Except he didn’t know if it was too late now or not.

“What wasn’t I wrong about? I was wrong about everything, Frankie. You name it, I was wrong. I fucked everything up. I ruined everything and I don’t know if I can fix it but I had to fucking try, you know? So I spent all my money to fly here and see you because this is where I needed to be. I was dying. You probably don’t believe me but I was so fucking low, Frankie. When I thought I lost you… So I came here…” He ran his fingers through his hair again as his eyes reconnected with Frankie’s. Frankie looked… scared? Was that it? Not mad, definitely not happy. Scared. It almost derailed his train of thought but he knew he still has more left to say.

“I came here because I needed you to hear me out. I needed you to listen. Where you can’t just hang up on me. I love you, Frankie. I’ve said it before but you have to know how much I mean it. I LOVE you. I’m IN love with you.”

Frankie stood there in shock. His mouth was open in disbelief as he looked at Zach with furrowed brows. “You’re…?” He choked out in seeming disbelief.

“I’m in love with you Frankie. The thought of my life without you left me so sick I haven’t slept in days. I can’t stop thinking about you. Please… just give me another chance. Everything will be different, I promise.” Zach felt the tears as they poured down his cheeks but he just left them. His shirt was tear soaked anyway, it didn’t matter.

 

FRANKIE

Did he just? Did that just? What just happened? Frankie’s mind desperately tried to put the pieces together. What was happening? Why was he saying these things? Were they real? In love with him? Did this change anything? ‘NO!’ his mind screamed. ‘YES!’ his heart screamed. It was like he was being torn in two. Frankie sided with disbelief.

“You can never just let me go, can you? This is just you keeping me on your line as usual. You’re a real fucking asshole, you know that Zach?” Frankie said the words because his brain wanted him to but his heart was aching. It was breaking seeing the obvious pain Zach was in, it was and aching to be allowed to fully and completely love this man in front of him. Except he couldn’t. Could he?

“No, Frankie, I swear! I promise, I’m all in. I realize now, I’m in love with you Frankie, I need to be with you. I fought it before because I wasn’t sure and I wasn’t going to make such a big move if I wasn’t 100% sure, but I am now.” He seemed so sincere. Frankie wanted to believe him. If he reached out his hand right now, Zach would take it. They would embrace and Frankie could feel the warmth of his body and the thought was just so damned comforting it was like a bucket of ice water was thrown over him when his brain stepped back into the picture.

‘Too late!’ His mind said. It was too late. Even if what Zach was saying was real, it was too late. He had made Frankie into a fool. Frankie had one rule. Just one. Never let anyone make a fool of him. And if they did, NEVER let them do it twice. It’s why he hadn’t been in love for so many years. Why he hadn’t allowed himself to. He’d never opened himself up as much as he did in that relationship, and in the end he had come out looking the biggest idiot that ever lived. He’d been made a fool of. It was humiliating, hideously painful, and traumatizing. It couldn’t happen again. This rule was iron clad. If anyone ever dared make a fool of him, he would cut their ass so fast they’d never get the chance to again. Zach had already lost his chance.

“It’s too late, Zach.” Frankie said, trying to make his voice ice cold, hoping Zach couldn’t see him shaking. Hoping that he would ignore the tears that were running freely down his cheeks. “It’s too late for us. We can’t go back. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

The words were hard to say. Frankie’s heart shattered into a dozen pieces as they left his lips while his brain watched on smugly. He was not, however, expecting Zach to crumple to the floor in sobbing hysterics.

ZACH

“NO!” Zach wailed as he pounded the floor. Looking back up he squinted through stinging tear soaked eyes, looking for Frankie’s face. “PLEASE, Frankie. PLEASE. I can’t live without you. I can’t I’ll die.” He was sobbing now, uncontrollably. Zach was mortified but he couldn’t help himself. And it didn’t matter anyways because if he couldn’t convince him right here, right now, he was going to be out of his life anyways. His head hung as he felt utterly defeated.

“Zach…” Frankie said. It was like he was telling him to stop but something in his voice made Zach’s head snap up. It was warm again. His face looked like he was in agony. He didn’t move to come forward or touch him, but his voice left an opening. A tiny crack of an opening, but an opening. Slowly, Zach worked his way back to his feet. He was still crying but the sobs were slowing down.

“Just give me a chance to show you. P-please, Frankie. I’m not hiding anymore. I’m not fucking lying to myself and the world anymore. I mean it. Let me show you.” Frankie was crying now, in earnest. Sobs were building and his face was contorted and the tears spilled town his cheeks unchecked. The sight was killing Zach. His heart broke knowing he was the one putting those tears there. He couldn’t help it, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Frankie.

For half a glorious moment, he felt Frankie melt into his embrace. But then it was gone and Frankie was pushing him away violently. “No!” he screamed. “I can’t trust you!” And then Frankie hit him. Hard. In the chest. And then again. Frankie started swinging his arms as he cried and sobbed. “You’ll make a fool of me!” He sobbed. The hits kept coming and landing and Zach just stood there, taking them. Not blocking. Not fighting back. Just taking every hit that Frankie wanted to give him because he deserved them. Because he wanted to show Frankie he was done fighting him. And if Zach was being totally honest, it was cathartic. It was what he needed.

After what he’d done, the pain felt good.

 

FRANKIE

Somehow, and he wasn’t really quite sure how, Frankie found himself pounding on Zach. He was hitting him again and again and he was just taking every hit with this look on his face. This sad, loving look on his face. The amazing thing was, as the hits landed, Frankie felt his frustrations leaking away. The hate seemed less strong. The trust seemed to grow. He was, after all, being beaten up and not fighting back. He must love him.

The physical release seemed to be working as a mental one too and he seemed to be letting go of all the crazy thoughts in his heads. The thoughts of pride and ego and the ice queen in his mind seemed to be retreating to her fortress deep in the recesses, where she belonged. His heart seemed to be swelling in size as he finally dropped his hands and began to quietly cry.

A moment later he felt Zach’s arms around him and he melted into the embrace. He allowed it. He was allowing it. This was him, giving in. But he was scared. He was so scared. Could he really let this happen? The ball was completely in Zach’s court, now. He could completely devastate him now, if he really wanted to.

What was he getting himself into?

 

ZACH

Zach saw his hands fall and the fight seemed to leave him and at first he was almost disappointed, the pain had made him feel so grounded. But then he saw that look on Frankie’s face and he closed the gap instantly and tried one more time to wrap his arms around him. Frankie needed him. Zach needed to comfort hm.

When Frankie didn’t recoil, when he didn’t fight, Zach felt overjoyed. When he melted into him, Zach felt euphoric. Yes. This was right. This was meant to be. Frankie was made to be in these arms.

Frankie was nuzzling into Zach’s chest and sniffling as his sobs were slowing and Zach just cooed and petted his back and hair comfortingly. They stayed like that for some time, as Frankie’s breathing returned to normal. Then, Zach felt and heard the words that were spoken into his shirt because Frankie was still hiding his face. “You really mean it? You want to be with me? For real?”

“For real. I really mean it.” He said softly into the top of Frankie’s head, finishing with a kiss.

“You might freak out and change your mind. And then—“

“I won’t”

“You could—“

“I won’t.”

“You don’t know.”

“I do.”

“How do you know?” Frankie asked, so quiet Zach could barely hear him. Zach pulled back but kept his hands on Frankie’s shoulders. Holding him so he could look into his eyes.

“Do you see me? I know because I thought I was going to die when I thought we couldn’t be together. I know because I’ve never felt as good as I felt just now, when I had you in my arms. I know because I just KNOW, Frankie! I love you. I don’t think anyone’s ever loved anyone as much as I love you.” He paused, trying to gage the look on Frankie’s face. “Do you believe me?” He asked. He pleaded. Frankie looked like he wanted to say yes. But Zach knew he was too stuck up in his brain, thinking about all the mixed signals Zach had sent over the last five months.

“I don’t know…” Frankie said. And Zach felt his heart constrict. The pain, the fear, the longing on that face that he loved so much was too much for him to bear. There was nothing else to do. He had no other options. He needed to do something. He found himself, not for the first time in his life, speaking without thinking. He didn’t need to think about this anymore.

“Then let me show you.” He breathed, and he pulled Frankie forward into a kiss. Their first kiss.

 

FRANKIE

“Then let me show you.” Zach said, his face soft but serious at the same time. Frankie watched almost in slow motion as Zach moved into his space, his head tilting, and at last their lips connected. They connected. After all these months, Zach’s lips were finally on Frankie’s. And it was home.

This was it, this was everything. This was right, this was perfect, this was… home. It took him a minute but soon Frankie was kissing Zach back and their lips moved sweetly, slowly against each other. Zach was the first to tentatively push his tongue into Frankie’s mouth, as he took the lead in their kiss. A small detached part of Frankie’s mind was surprised by this but very happy so he didn’t question it. He willingly let himself be led down the most sweet, intimate kiss Frankie had ever had in his entire life. What was so different? Why was it so perfect.

Suddenly, Frankie thought he believed in soul mates.

 

ZACH

Zach was lost in the kiss that seemed to stretch out over minutes and minutes. His mind was on another world and he felt as light as air as the weight from the past few days seem to shed like it was never there. Except it was there, and Zach felt all the better now that it was gone. In fact, he had never felt better in his entire life. It was like for the first time ever, everything was right. He never wanted the kiss to end.

His hands slowly rubbed up and down along Frankie’s back as they languidly got to know each other’s mouths, dipping closer and closer to his ass each time. He really wanted to squeeze it, so he did. After a few minutes, Zach tasted salt. He knew it was tears but he didn’t know if it was his or Frankie’s because he had begun crying in relief the moment their lips touched.

This. What he was feeling right now. This was real. This was right. This was home. How had he been able to deny it for so long? All those days wasted. Time that they could have been together. Zach was angry and mourned those lost days and deepened their kiss as a result. He needed this. He needed Frankie. And as a result the kiss grew very needy. He moaned into Frankie’s mouth and slipped his hand under Frankie’s shirt, this time rubbing his hand over his bare skin. Frankie returned the moan and then pulled back suddenly. He seemed to shake his head like to clear a daze and he stared deep into Zach’s eyes.

Zach returned the stare, his eyes full of love and wonder. His breathing was heavy and his face must be shiny with saliva but he wasn’t thinking about that. He was thinking about Frankie’s mouth. And Frankie’s body. And what he wanted to do with those things. Frankie cleared his throat, like he was having trouble speaking.

“If you’re not sure, then this is the time to say so.” Zach returned the stare levelly.

“Frankie, I’ve never been more fucking sure about anything in my entire life.” It was true. It was so Goddamned true it hurt.

Frankie nodded. “Then do you want to go be sure about it in my bedroom?” He seemed hopeful, but it also seemed like one last try by Frankie to push him away. To challenge him into backing down. To make sure Zach was for real. Well, he was for real. He was really damn real right now. Zach licked his lips and slowly nodded his head.

Zach didn’t wait for Frankie to lead the way. He knew the way. Without asking, Zach got up and crossed the room towards Frankie’s bedroom. And for a minute, Frankie was too shocked to follow.

 

FRANKIE

Zach got up and walked deliberately across Frankie’s apartment and for a minute, Frankie forgot how to move. Well, he guessed he’d gotten his answer. After a minute, Frankie sprung to his feet and slowly walked across his apartment. Towards his room. Where Zach was waiting. In his room.

And Frankie’s heart soared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it!!! Hope you liked it :) if so leave a comment! :) 
> 
> Ps. I may write a bonus smut chapter but I'm not sure. I got a lot of requests on tumblr. What do you think?

**Author's Note:**

> Should I add a part two? This was meant as a one shot but I'm open to your comments! Let me know if you liked it.


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